What I Pray

Way back when my wedding day was approaching, I began to be a little concerned by the fact that I wasn’t all that excited to have sex.  To me, hugging and kissing and cuddling and all that stuff was plenty fun, and I didn’t really care to do any more than that.  Just the prospect of sleeping in a bed with Brian was exciting enough for me.  Weird?  Well anyway, as our wedding day grew nearer, I started panicking a little that I wouldn’t be ready to have sex–that I wouldn’t want it and thus I would ruin the whole thing.  You know?  And I figured it was mostly God’s fault since it was he who had invented sex and sex drive in the first place.  So anyway, I felt totally comfortable adding “and pleeeeaaaassseee help me to want to have sex” to my prayers every day.  I prayed that everyday for like the last week or so of my engagement.  And you know what?  It worked.  On my wedding day, I was ready to go.  🙂

Why am I thinking about this?  Because this is the first November of my entire life where I have not been super excited to start decorating/planning/shopping for Christmas.  I love Christmas more than anyone I know.  For real.  I am crazy about it.   But this year?  I’m not feeling it.   Breaking out all my Christmas bins seems overwhelming, I haven’t decided if I want to throw my Favorite Things Party (and it’s normally the only day of the year I am fun!), and last weekend I spent two whole days shopping with some of my girlfriends and I didn’t buy one single Christmas item.  Not one.  I think something bad is happening to me.

It’s really devastating for me.  So I’m going to pray about it.  I’m going to start asking Heavenly Father to help me want Christmas…  You might be thinking that it would be better for me to forgo all that materialistic stuff anyway, because that’s not what Christmas is all about; and I get that.  But it’s just that for me— its that same excitement and energy that makes me decorate and shop that makes me serve and seek the true Christmas spirit as well.  You know what I mean?  It’s all the same thing for me.

I’m wondering if the reason I’m not particularly excited for the Christmas season is that I am lacking love in general.  I have let my heart turn a bit cold, if you will.  I haven’t exercised my love enough, and now it is weak and bearing little fruit.  

So I will try and draw nearer to the Lord, I will ask to be filled with His love–and I will hope that by doing so, I will start to get excited for Christmas.